P.J. O'RourkeThinkers

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race.

Bachelorhood is more depressing than anything, save for the known alternative.

The Bicycle is dangerous without being fun, much like open-heart surgery, the South Bronx, and divorce.

The Cat is a treasured pet in America because it possesses the same qualities we do: It is irresponsible and recognizes no authority, yet is completely dependent on others for its material needs. It cannot be made to do anything useful and is mean for the fun of it.

Cockfighting is a sport involving two armed entrees battling to see who'll be dinner.

Communism is a terrible system. All you need to know about it is that you can't get good Chinese takeout in China and Cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba.

Drinking will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat ' in other words, turn you into an adult.

A Fruit is a vegetable with looks and money, and if it rots it turns into wine, something that vegetables like brussel sprouts never do.

Golf is a sport combining two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.

Golf is a sport wherein the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing mirror all the important lessons in life: 1. Keep your head down. 2. Follow through. 3. Be born with money.