alcoholism

banana

belt

Bigfoot

body bag

burrito

catch and release

cavity

children's book

dreaming

duck

escalator

fake plant

fettucini alfredo

foosball

listerine

lollipop

minibar

Mr. Pibb

necklace

New York deli

pancake

parade

picketing

pickle

rice

rotisserie

sleeping bag

smoke alarm

spaghetti

swiss cheese

taxi

tennis

turtleneck

vest

waffle

watch

occupation / innovator as

comedian

screenwriter

accident

nationality

American

film producer

is the only disease you can get yelled at for having.

is the opposite of stop lights. green means 'yield' and yellow means 'go' .

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'

is a curious thing. The belt holds the pants up, but the belt loops hold the belt up. Who is the real hero?

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

is for those who don't want to eat fish, just to make them late for something.

On fishing shows they always throw the fish back. They don't want to eat them. They just want to make them late for something.

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'

is an animal that is forever in the push up position.

Dogs are forever in the push up position.

is often work. You want to sleep but next thing you know, you have to build a go-cart with your ex-landlord.

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.

is an animal whose opinion of you depends very much on whether or not I have bread.

 can never break; at worst it only becomes stairs.

an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs.

is at risk of dying if you do not pretend to water them.

Mitch All Together. Live album by Mitch Hedberg, December 9, 2003.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

is a machine that makes everything expensive.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews'

is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

is a good thing to wear for people who want to know when they're upside down.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

is just a morbid Ferris wheel for chickens.

The most blatant example of cruelty to animals has to be the rotisserie. It's just a morbid Ferris wheel for chickens.

Mitch HedbergThinkers

Mitch Hedberg