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Alan Coren

27 June 1938-18 October 2007

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Democracy is choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear.

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France is the largest country in Europe, a great boon for drunks who need room to fall.

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Frenchman is a short, blue-vested people who carry their own onions when cycling abroad, and have a yard which is 3.37 inches longer than other people's.

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The Italian is a cowardly baritone who consumes 78.3 kilometres of carbohydrates a month and drives about in a car slightly smaller than he is, looking for a divorce.

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Joy is not the result of getting what you want... it is the way to get what you want. In the deepest sense, joy is what you want.

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Malta is the only place in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.

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Television is more interesting than people... if it were not, we should have people standing in the corners of our rooms.

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The Windmill is a thing invented for the sole purpose of filling up the blank bits in the back of 16th-century Flemish paintings.