Johnny CarsonThinkers

The Academy Awards is two hours of sparkling entertainment packed into a four-hour show.

America is about buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Chevy Chase is an actor who couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked bean dinner.

Death is an event after which one's hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Entertainment is always something people will pay more for than education.

Fairness is not a defining feature of life. If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Happiness is finding two olives in your martini when you're hungry.

Hollywood is a place where if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

Hunting is in God's plan. if he didn't want man to hunt, he wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.