Victoria WoodThinkers

Childbirth is like watching two very inefficient removal men trying to get a very large sofa through a very small doorway, only in this case you can't say, 'Oh screw it, bring it through the French windows..'

Foreplay is like beefburgers - three minutes on each side.

The Intellectual is a Phd who no more has to spend her life with other intellectuals than someone with a life-saving certificate has to spend one's evenings diving for a rubber brick with one's pyjamas on.

Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.