An Anniversary is an occassion on which, if you go back to the hotel where you had our honeymoon 25 years before, you might find that it is rundown, too.

Anniversary is like martinis - after a few you don't bother to count them.

An Anniversary is the yesterday you forgot to buy your wife a gift.

An Anniversary is the day on which a husband behaves as he always should.

A Birthday is a good thing, but too many can kill you.

A Birthday is like a bus, never the number you want.

A Birthday is generally celebrated in the US by having the birthday boy or girl blow germs all over a cake, and then serving it to everyone around.

A Birthday is, after 50, just another clod of dirt falling on your grave.

A Calendar's days are numbered.

A Calendar is a device that ensures that your days are numbered.

A Calendar is not a thing that actually tells you what day it is. It just gives you a list of options to choose from.

A Calendar is a method of reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event.

A Deadline is essential to fulfilling goals — a goal without a deadline is just a dream.

The Deadline is the terrible anvil on which one forges one's style.

The Deadline is best loved for the wooshing noise it makes as it goes by.

The Deadline is motivating — a deadline has a wonderful way of concentrating the mind.