A Bill is paid by some when due, some when overdue, and some never do.

A Bill travels through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Divorce is a legal separation of two persons of the opposite sex who desire to respect and honor each other.

Divorce is different from legal separation in this: a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Divorce is natural — as Shaspeare put it, "Doth not the appetite alter? A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age".

Divorce is the sacrament of adultery.

Emergency is an oft-exaggerated word — Had there been an actual emergency, you would no longer be here.

Emergency is the wise man's opportunity and the fool's Waterloo.

Emergency is a condition of things requiring one to think like a millstream, look like an idiot and act like an earthquake.

An Emergency alters the situation.

A Funeral is so expensive most of us would be better off alive.

A Funeral is a time when we give respect not afforded to the living — we throw flowers at the dead, and mud at the living.

A Funeral is no place for truth — Funeral sermon, lying sermon.

The Funeral is deserving of being banned — we should weep for men at their birth, not at their death.