being literal, n.One-Liners

I roasted a duck last nightbut I don't think he got the jokes

I discovered my wife in bed with another man. I was crushedAll I could do was yell, 'Get off me, you two!'

A: "People say I'm too sarcastic" B: "Well, what makes you say that?"A: 'My mouth'

The cashier asked if I wanted my milk put in a bagI told him to just leave it in the carton

Did you get a haircut?"No, I got them all cut!"

I hate people that take things literallyThey should leave them where they are

A: Can you help me out?B: Sure. Which way did you come in?

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”But now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall

How do I look?With your eyes.

3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light themSo they toss the 4th cigarette overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter

A: Can I eat the cake in the fridge?B: Sure, but the dining room would probably be more comfortable.

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikesI told him my dogs don't even own bikes