parenting, n.One-Liners

Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?

I just sent both my kids to their roomsSo now I'm jealous of both of them

If you enjoy arguing about lunches at 6 AM I can't recommend parenting highly enough.

That awkward moment when your child looks to you for wisdomand you're like, "Honey, I don't even know what day of the week it is."

I looked out the window and it was raining really hard. "Fuck it," I told myself, "I'm not going out in that" . . ."I'll pick the kids up from school tomorrow."

I don't show any favoritism to my childrenI love Tommy and not-Tommy exactly the same

Becoming a parent is greatIt's almost as good as not becoming one

I play a lot of catch with my kidsThis time it was a sinus infection

I think it’s adorable how children start looking like their owners

I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my children do.