marriage, n.One-Liners

"I'm getting married next week."Against whom?

There are two ways to handle a woman . . .. . . and both are wrong

Married men make the best husbands

My wife complained that I never lift a finger around the houseSo I did: the middle one

My wife's a magicianShe can turn anything into an argument

If you want my opinion you’ll have to ask my wife for it.

My wife left me because when she said she’d like us to renew our vows. . .I told her I try not to make the same mistake twice.

Sometimes I wake up grumpyother times I let her sleep

At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don'tThe trouble is, they're usually married to each other

If you can’t make a simple question sound like an accusation, you’re not qualified to be married.

You can always spot a guy who masturbates a lot by his handsIf you look closely, you'll see he's wearing a wedding ring

I remember when my wife had laryngitis... fondly

My wife wanted a puppy, But I didn'tSo we compromised and got a puppy

I do what the little voices inside my wife's head tell me to do.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.".

I never knew true happiness until I got marriedBy then, it was too late

"What do you and your wife fight about all the time?"I don't know. She won't tell me

My wife’s on her way back from the psychologistI can’t wait to find out what I need to work on.

If you can’t continually answer a question with a question, then marriage may not be for you.

He always remembers his wife's birthday.It's the day after she reminds him of it