278 definitions
Thinkers › Milton Berle › Top 300
Milton Berle: top 300 quotes
278 definitions
Thanksgiving (n.) is a great big family holiday... everybody gets together during halftime.
Alimony (n.) is giving comfort to the enemy.
Alimony (n.) is like not reporting a lost credit card.
Alimony (n.) is like paying for a subscription to a magazine that's stopped publication.
Alimony (n.) is always having to say you're sorry.
Alimony (n.) is the billing without the cooing.
Alimony (n.) is the screwing a man gets for the screwing he got.
Success (n.) is an island of envy surrounded by an ocean of envy.
Politics (n.) is like sex: You don't have to be good at it to enjoy it.
New York City (n.) is the only city in the world where friendliness is a felony.
New York City (n.) is where an act of chivalry on the bus is not giving up one's seat to a woman loaded down with packages, but consist in whispering to her 'be alert. I get off at twenty-third street.'.
New York City (n.) is where cabs are so expensive, it's cheaper to get slugged by a mugger and wait for an ambulance.
New York City (n.) is where something happens every minute . . . And most of the time, it goes unsolved.
New York City (n.) is so dangerous that the animals in central park zoo are kept behind bars for their safety.
New York City (n.) is so distrustful, the muggers are now demanding identification.
New York City (n.) is where anybody who speaks good English must be a foreigner.
New York City (n.) is a place where that they don't give out the key to the city; they just send over a guy who shows you how to pick the lock.
New York City (n.) is the only town in the world where you can park your car, walk two blocks, and find your hubcaps for sale.
Hollywood (n.) is where a marriage is a great way to spend a weekend.
Hollywood (n.) is where if you are happily married for twenty years, it likely took you six marriages to do it.
Hollywood (n.) is where if you don't go to a shrink, people think you're crazy.
Hollywood (n.) is full of people who work all their lives for recognition and then put on a pair of dark glasses so no one will know who they are.
Hollywood (n.) is where you stab your best friend in the back and then tell the cops that he's carrying a concealed weapon.
Hollywood (n.) is where marriages take place so frequently that some actresses have signed more marriage certificates than autographs.
Hollywood (n.) is where a successful marriage is when the couple leaves the church together.
Hollywood (n.) is where everybody is so two-faced when you go to the optometrist you automatically get four contact lenses.
Hollywood (n.) is where marriages end so quickly that some female stars have towels marked 'hers' and 'next.
Hollywood (n.) is where marriages end so quickly the couples could sue for the wedding cake.
Hollywood (n.) is where marriages end so quickly they save a piece of the wedding cake for the divorce lawyer.
Hollywood (n.) is where movies have happy endings but marriages don't.
Hollywood (n.) is where the expression goes 'always a bride, never a bridesmaid'.
Hollywood (n.) is where you can go out on a blind date and end up with your own wife.
Hollywood (n.) is the only town where the bride tossing the bouquet is just as likely to get married next as the girl who caught it.
Christmas (n.) is when you buy this year's presents with next year's money.
Christmas (n.) is one time you get homesick even when you're home.
Christmas (n.) is the time of year kids get toys their fathers can play with.
Communism (n.) is where man exploits man, while capitalism is the exact opposite.
Fishing (n.) is just a matter if timing. You have to get there yesterday.